27 November 2008
Thursday tomorrow. Another day at work and I've decided it will be fun. The day after isn't going to be another Ice Age as long as I'm alive. Friday - cannot damn wait.
I always bring my backpack when I head to work on Fridays.
Unlike gym-goers or those who grew up right about two hours outside the city, I don't bring my backpack because I spend my weekends at home where Mom is. Home is wherever my apartment is and I've had a few since I was 16. Right now that happens to be Makati. I bring my backpack every Friday because I expect to be back two days after. That's weekend. A roller-spaceship ride to everywhere, away from home for a couple of nights. That compartmentalizes my weekend.
This here is my Saturday, that over there is work, this little locked box is for feelings whatever that means, this sling bag is where I keep ammunition, and that caricature over there is who I am to others. This is who I am when I'm writing and that guy on the 26th floor office by the window this afternoon is who I am during work.
Someone asked me once if I was angry after some office bull!shit. It was a Saturday. I said I haven't decided on feeling angry yet. Or feeling anything at all. Which is mostly the case. Unlike with office tactics, I do not decide to be angry or to be romantic or to be volatile or to be mental. I'm mostly too lazy to exert that kind of effort. And I'm mostly lazy to answer questions honestly anyhow - so don't ask. If you think I'm making this up then call it fiction. What isn't?
But don't call me a liar. If this is what you see now, then this is my truth now. If this is what you hear me say, then this is what there is. If I'm hiding something from you, whatever it is is not me when you're around. Don't go searching because then, when you find whatever the fcuk it is, it will not be the me you're dealing with now. No matter how you convince yourself that's the hidden truth, it will be the lie you asked to see.
So what's in the bag? Apart from a change of undies, a couple of packs of Marlboros, my cellphones, some music, gum, a pack of condoms and crumpled paper towels, what else is in there? Do not take a look. Take my word for it. If the bag's gonna tell you who I am, you will be disappointed. Blink twice, hit your head hard here's a brown bottle, then snap out of it.
There is nothing else in there.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Loaded Xmas
Jack Daniel's, Pringles, ham, French toasts..
..and I think I want spring rolls, too.. hmmm. Need an early 2011 strategy to counteract the holiday weight gain.
..but while it's still 2010, bring it on - food & drinks! Hohoho.
..and I think I want spring rolls, too.. hmmm. Need an early 2011 strategy to counteract the holiday weight gain.
..but while it's still 2010, bring it on - food & drinks! Hohoho.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Nearly Overcooked
"...time is the fire in which we burn" _Dr Soran, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Tell me how to extinguish it.
Tell me how to extinguish it.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
February
--- I own this month.
-------- Party everyday.
--------------- http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2025714&id=1515293816&l=f60bfe3864
-------- Party everyday.
--------------- http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2025714&id=1515293816&l=f60bfe3864
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Nurse Me
7 Nursing students in Starbucks occupying 2 tables, sharing 2 orders of iced latte, 6 cups of complimentary water, and a pack of chips brought by someone who looks like the leader of the group.
Student1: (Reading from textbook) "The client was bleeding but when given the prescribed medicine, the bleeding was lessened to spotting."
Leader of the group: (Adjusting her glasses in an authoritative gesture) Ibig shabihin, yung client nagblibleeding sha, pero dahil sha medishin naging lesh na lang. At shpotting na.. OK?
Group: OK.
Me: (Thud, thud, swoosh, kablargzxh ... yes, I fell off of my seat and landed head-first on the floor.)
I am utterly blown away by the sheer deductive power of the nursing population. I think I just cracked my skull.
Student1: (Reading from textbook) "The client was bleeding but when given the prescribed medicine, the bleeding was lessened to spotting."
Leader of the group: (Adjusting her glasses in an authoritative gesture) Ibig shabihin, yung client nagblibleeding sha, pero dahil sha medishin naging lesh na lang. At shpotting na.. OK?
Group: OK.
Me: (Thud, thud, swoosh, kablargzxh ... yes, I fell off of my seat and landed head-first on the floor.)
I am utterly blown away by the sheer deductive power of the nursing population. I think I just cracked my skull.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Since I don't go and casually tell people my date of birth, I don't suppose anyone will greet me here. So Borge happy birthday in advance man. Have too much fun that you'll choke and pass out. You'll come to in exactly five seconds to take another swig at that bottle and smile. You don't look as good as that 18yo guy you once were but hey, you turned out better than you thought. And guess what... you're still alive. Crap, what am I saying,,
Semantic Valentine
“Make love” has become an acceptable phrase among grown-ups. To younger people it’s “make out.” Well, how exactly do you make it? Do you end up with a corporeal, tangible, physical evidence of the process?
When you make potteries, you produce pots, decorative vases or ashtrays. Make a mess out of your life and you create wrinkles and grow gray hair. If making love equally means producing something and that something is an offspring, we must seriously consider colonizing Mars.
Thank heavens there are contraceptives. Inter-planetary travel hasn’t been perfected yet. However, if we must align ourselves with the church, we better be not so thankful.
Anyways, if population growth is not the idea, what is the point of having sex? Is it the ingestion of enough lipstick to clog the esophagus? Is it the inhalation of face powder, enough to cause respiratory failure? Or is it the tedious job of extracting those twin, semi-circle, sturdy set of wires from around the woman’s upper body, and the sliding off of a girdle from around the midsection, which could, if fitted around the neck, cause a serious case of asphyxia? The things a guy has to go through (Face it: You just don’t bump into perfect bodied females and those you see in FHM aren’t real). In retaliation, a guy sprays on enough perfume and deodorant to trigger gustatory allergy, so much so that when the woman kisses him on the cheek, neck, chest, tummy and down some more, she will almost have a gruesome seizure - or at least, a case of suffocation from the resulting inflammation of the tongue.
Aside from the perils (not to mention the sound produced when two sweaty bodies push against each other, which reminds you of toilet noise), what else is there about having sex? Is having sex the same as making love? If the answer is No and that making love is simply it, what are we to do with this critical over-production? (I doubt this presumed abundance, what with all the wars being waged in the name of gender, religion, and politics).
I propose to change the deceptive term “make love” to “develop love.” As in, “C’mon, bhe, let’s develop love.” The former connotes that in a relationship, love is initially absent and that it has to be created by swapping fluids or passion secretions; or, that love is created out of that bestial ritual called mating. On the other hand, “develop love” transforms sex into a process by which emotions are driven just a bit deeper, beyond the surface that mainly consists of a fashion wardrobe and accessories. Mostly fake. Of course, the substitution will take some getting used to.
But, if we were to accept “develop love” in place of “make love,” every time it happens, there must be an increase of concern, devotion, affection, passion … Essentially, the premise demands that an improvement in the relationship must ensue.
Well, we know for a fact that arguments happen. The man usually avoids an argument till it turns into neglect. Then, neglect itself becomes neglected. The woman recognizes the perceived cause of the argument. She acknowledges it inordinately, emotionally, mentally, and most of all, verbally. She hammers it on the man’s head gratuitously. It breaks the man’s head whereby she succeeds in making the mess three times messier. The damage becomes irreversible. The relationship becomes irreparable. The proposed term-shift then becomes inapplicable.
You fcuk because mating has become so casual. You have sex because it’s fun. You make love when you want to go beyond affectionate kissing. The terms are understandable enough, though I find the last one inappropriate. But with Valentine in mind, that should be beside the point. The affair through which two genitals interact does not decide whether a relationship will or will not work, no matter what term you use to describe it. Neither do the gifts that are scattered all over the malls this Valentine. What does is up to you to find out. If you aren’t so inclined, you have no business celebrating the 14th with whomever your unfortunate date may be. Very kindly throw those concert tickets in my direction, and cancel your hotel and restaurant reservations in consideration of the more deserving. As for the rest, have a lovely month. Happy Valentine.
---------------
Originally written in January 2002 | taken from my Essay Portfolio
When you make potteries, you produce pots, decorative vases or ashtrays. Make a mess out of your life and you create wrinkles and grow gray hair. If making love equally means producing something and that something is an offspring, we must seriously consider colonizing Mars.
Thank heavens there are contraceptives. Inter-planetary travel hasn’t been perfected yet. However, if we must align ourselves with the church, we better be not so thankful.
Anyways, if population growth is not the idea, what is the point of having sex? Is it the ingestion of enough lipstick to clog the esophagus? Is it the inhalation of face powder, enough to cause respiratory failure? Or is it the tedious job of extracting those twin, semi-circle, sturdy set of wires from around the woman’s upper body, and the sliding off of a girdle from around the midsection, which could, if fitted around the neck, cause a serious case of asphyxia? The things a guy has to go through (Face it: You just don’t bump into perfect bodied females and those you see in FHM aren’t real). In retaliation, a guy sprays on enough perfume and deodorant to trigger gustatory allergy, so much so that when the woman kisses him on the cheek, neck, chest, tummy and down some more, she will almost have a gruesome seizure - or at least, a case of suffocation from the resulting inflammation of the tongue.
Aside from the perils (not to mention the sound produced when two sweaty bodies push against each other, which reminds you of toilet noise), what else is there about having sex? Is having sex the same as making love? If the answer is No and that making love is simply it, what are we to do with this critical over-production? (I doubt this presumed abundance, what with all the wars being waged in the name of gender, religion, and politics).
I propose to change the deceptive term “make love” to “develop love.” As in, “C’mon, bhe, let’s develop love.” The former connotes that in a relationship, love is initially absent and that it has to be created by swapping fluids or passion secretions; or, that love is created out of that bestial ritual called mating. On the other hand, “develop love” transforms sex into a process by which emotions are driven just a bit deeper, beyond the surface that mainly consists of a fashion wardrobe and accessories. Mostly fake. Of course, the substitution will take some getting used to.
But, if we were to accept “develop love” in place of “make love,” every time it happens, there must be an increase of concern, devotion, affection, passion … Essentially, the premise demands that an improvement in the relationship must ensue.
Well, we know for a fact that arguments happen. The man usually avoids an argument till it turns into neglect. Then, neglect itself becomes neglected. The woman recognizes the perceived cause of the argument. She acknowledges it inordinately, emotionally, mentally, and most of all, verbally. She hammers it on the man’s head gratuitously. It breaks the man’s head whereby she succeeds in making the mess three times messier. The damage becomes irreversible. The relationship becomes irreparable. The proposed term-shift then becomes inapplicable.
You fcuk because mating has become so casual. You have sex because it’s fun. You make love when you want to go beyond affectionate kissing. The terms are understandable enough, though I find the last one inappropriate. But with Valentine in mind, that should be beside the point. The affair through which two genitals interact does not decide whether a relationship will or will not work, no matter what term you use to describe it. Neither do the gifts that are scattered all over the malls this Valentine. What does is up to you to find out. If you aren’t so inclined, you have no business celebrating the 14th with whomever your unfortunate date may be. Very kindly throw those concert tickets in my direction, and cancel your hotel and restaurant reservations in consideration of the more deserving. As for the rest, have a lovely month. Happy Valentine.
---------------
Originally written in January 2002 | taken from my Essay Portfolio
Thursday, December 25, 2008
2009, the implacable approach of
..then it will again be my birthday. How harsh.
I envy those who are able to write almost on a daily basis. After this entry, I do not know when I could visit again. I do drop in more often to check out some entries and huwaw, andaming masisipag dito.
Wishing us all with everything we deserve for 2009. If we don't deserve anything better bahala na. We're not in total control but it helps if we do little somethings about our lives. Being fatalistic has got to be one of the corniest things.
..a little less alcohol, greater control in eating, lower blood pressure, more sex, more friends, new apartment -- 2009, here I come. Cheers.
BTW, who's celebrating the New Year over at MOA? I'm thinking of going there. I'm such a sucker for fireworks.. Then let's play with drinks and fireworks after.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
alright i'll buy you
Friends please. Like, real ones. We stop being innocent idealists a couple of months after we leave the school and start looking for our first job so I won’t say I’m looking for people who’d stay stuck through thick and thin, whatever that cliché means. I’m not out to look for lifetime companions although that kind of thing can exist. Friends, please. That’s about it.
I grew up about 400kms north of here, went to a university about 100kms also north of here. The real people I spent so much time with were either contented staying where they were which is an ugly thing, or have left the country thinking they could be happier which is sad. There’s a much bigger world than your hometown but you don’t have to live and work your ass off outside your country to appreciate this vastness. As such, I’ve thrown myself into this metropolis of pickpockets where I lost a cellphone a couple of months ago, where I was cheated my first big purchase with my first pay, where I was ditched by people I called friends because I stopped dating their friend. How much uglier can things get around here?
Was it Brandon in Beverly Hills 90210 who said that it’s in college where you’ll find the people who’ll stick with you through your life? Guess what, Brandon,,, they’re two provinces away (I know I can count on them but let’s get real. How many times a year can you actually hangout with or run to best buds that aren’t physically there?). Or they’re in seclusion in a dimension called Relationship. They feel that they have to be secluded to show they have evolved. That seems to be the notion of maturity these days.
I deserve more fun than this and bleep you if you think this is midlife crisis hahahaha. I’m young and I’d like to think I’m younger than I look, while people around here seem to be growing older faster than they have to. People are getting a bit too serious.
Hangout buddies please, if not friends. People who can hop out on weekends and not say No because they’ve got nothing to spend or are too tired to be out. Or damnit let’s stay in but please it’s a weekend let’s grab some bottles. Lots. People who drink. People who are smart but won’t insist on a smart conversation because that, absolutely, is not necessary on a weekend. People who won’t talk serious unless they have to; just talking with sense isn’t so bad. People who wear cheap old Gap or Old Navy, instead of Armani in exchange of having enough for gas or parking.
Sit back. Take it easy. Drink. And let’s just be kids before we forget how it is. Call me.
I grew up about 400kms north of here, went to a university about 100kms also north of here. The real people I spent so much time with were either contented staying where they were which is an ugly thing, or have left the country thinking they could be happier which is sad. There’s a much bigger world than your hometown but you don’t have to live and work your ass off outside your country to appreciate this vastness. As such, I’ve thrown myself into this metropolis of pickpockets where I lost a cellphone a couple of months ago, where I was cheated my first big purchase with my first pay, where I was ditched by people I called friends because I stopped dating their friend. How much uglier can things get around here?
Was it Brandon in Beverly Hills 90210 who said that it’s in college where you’ll find the people who’ll stick with you through your life? Guess what, Brandon,,, they’re two provinces away (I know I can count on them but let’s get real. How many times a year can you actually hangout with or run to best buds that aren’t physically there?). Or they’re in seclusion in a dimension called Relationship. They feel that they have to be secluded to show they have evolved. That seems to be the notion of maturity these days.
I deserve more fun than this and bleep you if you think this is midlife crisis hahahaha. I’m young and I’d like to think I’m younger than I look, while people around here seem to be growing older faster than they have to. People are getting a bit too serious.
Hangout buddies please, if not friends. People who can hop out on weekends and not say No because they’ve got nothing to spend or are too tired to be out. Or damnit let’s stay in but please it’s a weekend let’s grab some bottles. Lots. People who drink. People who are smart but won’t insist on a smart conversation because that, absolutely, is not necessary on a weekend. People who won’t talk serious unless they have to; just talking with sense isn’t so bad. People who wear cheap old Gap or Old Navy, instead of Armani in exchange of having enough for gas or parking.
Sit back. Take it easy. Drink. And let’s just be kids before we forget how it is. Call me.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wake Up
You spend 20 years in bed, unconscious, doing basically nothing, where you’ve got absolutely nothing happening for you. That’s a good one-third of your life. Then you die.
An average person spends about six to eight hours in bed sleeping. If he’s heartbroken, only two hours are spent unconscious while the rest is taken over by wallowing. No matter. Most of that is still time wasted. I’m not saying that humans should do without sleeping. You’ll mess up with your endocrine system and deprive yourself of serotonin. In English, you’ll make yourself cranky. I learned this from Scully. Tempers would flare and if nuclear bombs don’t annihilate mankind, we will die in our own rages. It’s only that I believe in staying awake while you can.
It’s 10:30pm right now on a Sunday. You’ve got work tomorrow? So do I. get your MP3 player and with your blaring earphones, walk the streets and stop by at Burger Machine for a longganisa with egg sandwich. Buy pirated DVDs and have a movie marathon. Write. Have sex. Write about it. Text your girlfriend. Blog about it. Surf the net. Meet new people. Then have sex again. Build relationships and destroy those that aren’t healthy for you. Sit in bed drinking while waiting for Chowking to serve breakfast, although they’ve replaced the ham with paper. Visit the red-light district. Text your ex and flirt with her. Learn a difficult song and sing it and just this once let it be you who disturbs the peace of the neighborhood. Do a hundred sit-ups. Go to Starbucks and complain about their Wi-Fi fcuk it it’s supposed to be for free! There’s just too much to do and if we live to be 60, that’s practically throwing 20 years in a vegetable state. Make something happen. Right now. Sleep only when you can’t sustain a vertical position any longer because there’s just too much opportunity for that when that time comes when you aren’t able to wake up.
An average person spends about six to eight hours in bed sleeping. If he’s heartbroken, only two hours are spent unconscious while the rest is taken over by wallowing. No matter. Most of that is still time wasted. I’m not saying that humans should do without sleeping. You’ll mess up with your endocrine system and deprive yourself of serotonin. In English, you’ll make yourself cranky. I learned this from Scully. Tempers would flare and if nuclear bombs don’t annihilate mankind, we will die in our own rages. It’s only that I believe in staying awake while you can.
It’s 10:30pm right now on a Sunday. You’ve got work tomorrow? So do I. get your MP3 player and with your blaring earphones, walk the streets and stop by at Burger Machine for a longganisa with egg sandwich. Buy pirated DVDs and have a movie marathon. Write. Have sex. Write about it. Text your girlfriend. Blog about it. Surf the net. Meet new people. Then have sex again. Build relationships and destroy those that aren’t healthy for you. Sit in bed drinking while waiting for Chowking to serve breakfast, although they’ve replaced the ham with paper. Visit the red-light district. Text your ex and flirt with her. Learn a difficult song and sing it and just this once let it be you who disturbs the peace of the neighborhood. Do a hundred sit-ups. Go to Starbucks and complain about their Wi-Fi fcuk it it’s supposed to be for free! There’s just too much to do and if we live to be 60, that’s practically throwing 20 years in a vegetable state. Make something happen. Right now. Sleep only when you can’t sustain a vertical position any longer because there’s just too much opportunity for that when that time comes when you aren’t able to wake up.
Friday, November 14, 2008
What time is it? II
My weekends are mine. Nobody has got any business taking ownership of my Saturdays and Sundays. Fridays, even.
I will laugh my teeth out till they fall off, say some crazy and stupid things that I won’t admit to saying afterwards, and shut down my brain circuits. I will talk to everyone even when I’m pissed. I will smile at everyone and don’t take that to mean flirting. I refuse to ruin my non-work days even when that means I gotta sell myself.
If something’s not right, I will neither think nor talk about it on a Saturday. I will hold it off till Sunday. When Sunday comes, it has been forgotten. I will not face it on a weekday either, hell no. It would steal my focus from work. That’s just goddamn unacceptable. It’s enough that I deal with a daily hangover. Weekdays are a bummer so my weekends deserve to be a huge wildfire. I’d like to keep it that way thank you; now move to the side and let me pass.
It’s an hour and a half past Saturday. I shouldn’t even be writing. That’s what time it is and I’m gone. Don’t run after me unless you’re prepared to get ran over. Naaah. Just playing. Inuman na!
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Originally written on 09nov08, 0130hrs | midnight sentiments
I will laugh my teeth out till they fall off, say some crazy and stupid things that I won’t admit to saying afterwards, and shut down my brain circuits. I will talk to everyone even when I’m pissed. I will smile at everyone and don’t take that to mean flirting. I refuse to ruin my non-work days even when that means I gotta sell myself.
If something’s not right, I will neither think nor talk about it on a Saturday. I will hold it off till Sunday. When Sunday comes, it has been forgotten. I will not face it on a weekday either, hell no. It would steal my focus from work. That’s just goddamn unacceptable. It’s enough that I deal with a daily hangover. Weekdays are a bummer so my weekends deserve to be a huge wildfire. I’d like to keep it that way thank you; now move to the side and let me pass.
It’s an hour and a half past Saturday. I shouldn’t even be writing. That’s what time it is and I’m gone. Don’t run after me unless you’re prepared to get ran over. Naaah. Just playing. Inuman na!
---------------
Originally written on 09nov08, 0130hrs | midnight sentiments
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
What time is it?
"Time is the fire in which we burn..." Dr. Soran, Star Trek: Generations, by Rick Berman
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There are only 24 hours in a day. It’s practically the same throughout the 365 days in the year. Unless you’ve been abducted by aliens or have been altered by extraterrestrial influences, you know you can’t stretch it.
I spend six to eight hours sleeping. It’s when my hyperactive mind rests. It rests not by way of shutting down. It kicks away the rules and let something akin to insanity take its reign. It figures how to spend P130 million because it smells it can happen. It doesn’t matter that the probability of winning in the 6/49 lottery is almost 1 in 14 million, which is roughly the same probability as obtaining 24 heads in succession when flipping a coin. In my life, I've done lottery thrice. The odds of winning is... insane.
I spend about an hour and 15mins trying to wake up, dragging my feet to the bathroom, bathing, getting dressed, and basically making myself battle-ready for another week day. I don’t put on a battle gear but I make sure that my head can take a day’s battering.
I spend 10 hours at work looking for a problem, coming up with a solution, presenting it to the bigger executives and having the solution rejected. It doesn’t always happen but when it does it is phenomenal. I burn my circuits out while doing a million other things (please don’t let me use Multitasking the word is overused and overrated I feel like imploding every time I hear it) like answering a question nobody else attempted to answer as fatasses decompose in office chairs better than mine saying this or that particular solution isn’t good enough. I come too close to spontaneous human combustion every time. Or spontaneous human explosion. I fear for the tenants of PBCom the building just might not be able to take it.
I spend about two hours waiting. I can’t stand waiting but it’s a necessary evil. I wait for a cab amidst the noise and haste, suspended within a cloud of smoke and dust and heat. I wait for the green light as the cab crawls through. I wait in line to get some lunch. I wait for the end of the day itching to be home with my chips and vodka.
I spend about an hour eating. More if I eat breakfast, which I don’t usually do. Sometimes eating isn’t so much as eating. I’d call it ingesting. I go through it because it’s needed. I will skip lunch if it didn’t make me cranky as the afternoon progresses. But I really have to stop eating. It’s still a flat tummy down here but I seriously feel I’m gaining weight.
I spend about two hours trying to clear my head when the day ends and be prepared for another refreshing insanity in dreamland. I read a book, listen to music, hit the shower for a second round, text, write or whatever else under the moon. When I assault the sheets with my weight, I make sure I head straight to dreamland. Being awake for an extended time in bed is such a demon.
There are 24 hours in a day. There isn’t much else that I do, and I’ve got no time for complications.
----------
There are only 24 hours in a day. It’s practically the same throughout the 365 days in the year. Unless you’ve been abducted by aliens or have been altered by extraterrestrial influences, you know you can’t stretch it.
I spend six to eight hours sleeping. It’s when my hyperactive mind rests. It rests not by way of shutting down. It kicks away the rules and let something akin to insanity take its reign. It figures how to spend P130 million because it smells it can happen. It doesn’t matter that the probability of winning in the 6/49 lottery is almost 1 in 14 million, which is roughly the same probability as obtaining 24 heads in succession when flipping a coin. In my life, I've done lottery thrice. The odds of winning is... insane.
I spend about an hour and 15mins trying to wake up, dragging my feet to the bathroom, bathing, getting dressed, and basically making myself battle-ready for another week day. I don’t put on a battle gear but I make sure that my head can take a day’s battering.
I spend 10 hours at work looking for a problem, coming up with a solution, presenting it to the bigger executives and having the solution rejected. It doesn’t always happen but when it does it is phenomenal. I burn my circuits out while doing a million other things (please don’t let me use Multitasking the word is overused and overrated I feel like imploding every time I hear it) like answering a question nobody else attempted to answer as fatasses decompose in office chairs better than mine saying this or that particular solution isn’t good enough. I come too close to spontaneous human combustion every time. Or spontaneous human explosion. I fear for the tenants of PBCom the building just might not be able to take it.
I spend about two hours waiting. I can’t stand waiting but it’s a necessary evil. I wait for a cab amidst the noise and haste, suspended within a cloud of smoke and dust and heat. I wait for the green light as the cab crawls through. I wait in line to get some lunch. I wait for the end of the day itching to be home with my chips and vodka.
I spend about an hour eating. More if I eat breakfast, which I don’t usually do. Sometimes eating isn’t so much as eating. I’d call it ingesting. I go through it because it’s needed. I will skip lunch if it didn’t make me cranky as the afternoon progresses. But I really have to stop eating. It’s still a flat tummy down here but I seriously feel I’m gaining weight.
I spend about two hours trying to clear my head when the day ends and be prepared for another refreshing insanity in dreamland. I read a book, listen to music, hit the shower for a second round, text, write or whatever else under the moon. When I assault the sheets with my weight, I make sure I head straight to dreamland. Being awake for an extended time in bed is such a demon.
There are 24 hours in a day. There isn’t much else that I do, and I’ve got no time for complications.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
No Excuses, but with a Disclaimer. Get that.
This does not refer to anyone I or you might know. It's just mental overflow, which you can assume as the product of exorcising my mind. You don't have to relate to the demons.
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There’s no excuse for being an idiot. It isn’t in the kind of milk you had as a baby. I stopped drinking milk even before I realized that I did. It isn’t because of your parents, your teachers, or the schools you went to. It isn’t because of the bad friends you had. It isn’t because you grew up in some remote province where the only TV channels were RPN9 and PTV4. It’s always been your brain. Only you had anything to do with it; unless you’re really sick in the head, in which case I’m not talking to you. Being an idiot is a choice. Being smart is a quest – if you don’t dig it, you’ll always be stuck in the shallows.
There’s no excuse for not eating veggies. These call center ants and the recently promoted yuppies who earn more money than any of their parents saw in their combined lifetimes are too proud of not knowing what saluyot is. I’ll buy the clothes off of you and expose the smut that you are. I am sustained by fast food chains twice daily unless I feel like having breakfast which would make it thrice, but I’ll gladly trade my big burger plus large coke and fries for your mom’s malungay soup. Feed me with talbos ng kamote for a year. You won’t hear me complain. What you have on the table does not speak of how high you are on the professional ladder. I’ll ardently trade fake adobo for ampalaya and know that it isn’t because I take forever in front of an ATM wishing I can withdraw close to what I actually need in the next 15 days. Go on and check your balance both before and after you take money hoping that 5,000 minus 500 is still 5,000.
There’s no excuse for getting someone pregnant, not wanting the baby, but still having it. You have no fcuking right to seriously complain about raising a kid. If you knocked someone up, or if you got knocked up, know that that organism didn’t beg to be conceived. You have to change diapers, stay up at night when he cries, look for someone to watch over him if you can’t and if you don’t find anyone, you better goddamn do it. You could’ve flushed it but chose not to. And when he grows up, know that he doesn’t owe you anything. He survived because it was your responsibility to see him live. If you bring a living creature into the world, he is your responsibility. Not the other way around. If he lives even after you stop seeing to him, he’s done it. You have no right to get paid for it.
There’s no excuse for using your emotions more than your head. Emotions are everything to some people. When they whine and ask for better treatment, they are sh!t. If investing your feelings turns up okay, that’s unjustified luck. If it doesn’t, call it Normal. Expected. Reality. Do not ever pull others around your emotional outbursts. Be aware that they don’t deserve it. It was you who made the move. Have the decency to suffer the consequences of your own sacrifices. No one asked you to make them. No one makes those decisions but ourselves. You chose to jump, don’t talk back even if only to say Sorry – and even more so if by saying it you hope for understanding. There's freakin' no absolution. It’s the pig’s way of imposing on someone. Breathe your stink and shut up.
There’s no excuse for being alive when you ought to be dead. The doctor said my heart might give up if I didn’t change my lifestyle. My organs will fail. I smoke, I drink, I go to fast food chains like I breathe air. And I go to work which has become too unhealthy lately. This job kills me but I make sure that I’m able enough to trudge my way to the office daily not because I like it, but because I can’t find a better one. The hungry bears will take my post and scream in joy about it. I want a better one. I'll become even bigger than what I am. Or die first. If I die tomorrow I will die having done what I promised my innocent self not to do 11 years ago. If I die tomorrow I will die not having done what my mature alter ego wanted me to do. If I die tomorrow I might as well die tonight with my vodka and Cheese Ring. It might very well be just luck that brought me to where I am now despite of my messed up credentials and fierce recklessness but with all boldness I say I serve more purpose than that idiot, uneducated pretender all of us know. No one can assume the privilege to think that I will die. I may be unhealthy and heading towards no particular direction but make way. I’ve got every right in heaven or hell to be here.
I didn't make excuses.
---------------
Originally written on 07oct08, 0257hrs | drunken sentiments
---------------
There’s no excuse for being an idiot. It isn’t in the kind of milk you had as a baby. I stopped drinking milk even before I realized that I did. It isn’t because of your parents, your teachers, or the schools you went to. It isn’t because of the bad friends you had. It isn’t because you grew up in some remote province where the only TV channels were RPN9 and PTV4. It’s always been your brain. Only you had anything to do with it; unless you’re really sick in the head, in which case I’m not talking to you. Being an idiot is a choice. Being smart is a quest – if you don’t dig it, you’ll always be stuck in the shallows.
There’s no excuse for not eating veggies. These call center ants and the recently promoted yuppies who earn more money than any of their parents saw in their combined lifetimes are too proud of not knowing what saluyot is. I’ll buy the clothes off of you and expose the smut that you are. I am sustained by fast food chains twice daily unless I feel like having breakfast which would make it thrice, but I’ll gladly trade my big burger plus large coke and fries for your mom’s malungay soup. Feed me with talbos ng kamote for a year. You won’t hear me complain. What you have on the table does not speak of how high you are on the professional ladder. I’ll ardently trade fake adobo for ampalaya and know that it isn’t because I take forever in front of an ATM wishing I can withdraw close to what I actually need in the next 15 days. Go on and check your balance both before and after you take money hoping that 5,000 minus 500 is still 5,000.
There’s no excuse for getting someone pregnant, not wanting the baby, but still having it. You have no fcuking right to seriously complain about raising a kid. If you knocked someone up, or if you got knocked up, know that that organism didn’t beg to be conceived. You have to change diapers, stay up at night when he cries, look for someone to watch over him if you can’t and if you don’t find anyone, you better goddamn do it. You could’ve flushed it but chose not to. And when he grows up, know that he doesn’t owe you anything. He survived because it was your responsibility to see him live. If you bring a living creature into the world, he is your responsibility. Not the other way around. If he lives even after you stop seeing to him, he’s done it. You have no right to get paid for it.
There’s no excuse for using your emotions more than your head. Emotions are everything to some people. When they whine and ask for better treatment, they are sh!t. If investing your feelings turns up okay, that’s unjustified luck. If it doesn’t, call it Normal. Expected. Reality. Do not ever pull others around your emotional outbursts. Be aware that they don’t deserve it. It was you who made the move. Have the decency to suffer the consequences of your own sacrifices. No one asked you to make them. No one makes those decisions but ourselves. You chose to jump, don’t talk back even if only to say Sorry – and even more so if by saying it you hope for understanding. There's freakin' no absolution. It’s the pig’s way of imposing on someone. Breathe your stink and shut up.
There’s no excuse for being alive when you ought to be dead. The doctor said my heart might give up if I didn’t change my lifestyle. My organs will fail. I smoke, I drink, I go to fast food chains like I breathe air. And I go to work which has become too unhealthy lately. This job kills me but I make sure that I’m able enough to trudge my way to the office daily not because I like it, but because I can’t find a better one. The hungry bears will take my post and scream in joy about it. I want a better one. I'll become even bigger than what I am. Or die first. If I die tomorrow I will die having done what I promised my innocent self not to do 11 years ago. If I die tomorrow I will die not having done what my mature alter ego wanted me to do. If I die tomorrow I might as well die tonight with my vodka and Cheese Ring. It might very well be just luck that brought me to where I am now despite of my messed up credentials and fierce recklessness but with all boldness I say I serve more purpose than that idiot, uneducated pretender all of us know. No one can assume the privilege to think that I will die. I may be unhealthy and heading towards no particular direction but make way. I’ve got every right in heaven or hell to be here.
I didn't make excuses.
---------------
Originally written on 07oct08, 0257hrs | drunken sentiments
Sunday, September 28, 2008
In Perspective
Reading the article below put my loss in a different perspective. It might have been my fault that I put my new cellphone in my backpak where it could easily slip out of the pocket without me noticing, and took the bus because I was too impatient to wait for a cab. I was already running late. I cried over it, I'm not over it yet, I'm done with being sad, now I'm just burning in outrage.
---------------
You explode. You feel like crushing the world with your bare hands. Of course, you never realize that you’re an earthling and could get crushed along with the planet.
I am not an environmentalist but I love the planet. I would never attempt to do anything that would bring about its demise. I live here. And I’ll stay on. I’ve had more than my share of troubles and I’m still alive. Splash acid on my face, transform me into a tortured mythical character like Sisyphus, sentence me to reclusion perpetua - I’ll still be here and with smug optimism. Escape is possible. For some people, it’s inevitable especially in a country like ours. Pull some strings and you’re free again. Life is the best thing ever. You have no business taking it for granted. The point is, as long as you’re alive, there is something out there. You’ve got a problem? Sleep it over. Let the demons haunt you through the night. After all, tomorrow is just another day. The sun rises. Live it up.
Think selfishly. Think of yourself. Take care of yourself because essentially, there’s nobody else to pull you through. In the unlikely situation that someone abnormally selfless comes to the rescue, don’t hold your breath. It will depend on whether or not the help will actually work on you. And sometimes people are better off alone. It takes away some of the glory in making it through. Survive if you can and let that step up your worth and not owe it to someone else.
Do not depend on others and do not depend on God. He has too much trouble in his hands already, what with all the praying going on in places where your problem doesn’t mean anything at all. There’s a war out there. There’s drought and famine. There’s a whole community where only a few are spared of AIDS. There’s too much suffering in this world that God won’t even notice you. Just ask: Among billions of people, most of whom in distress, what makes your benign existence so especial that the boundless universe and God in his infinite glory should pay attention? Is there a God?
Do not say the deep sh!t you’re in is a part of God’s master plan, or that the Devil pushed you into that pit. That’s a shameless, cowardly excuse. And so is Psychology. It continues to come up with terminologies to explain aberrant behavior, which makes you less of a culprit. Oh, that was due to my excessive-compulsive disorder, or it was my alter ego, or I’m sorry if my being a nymphomaniac is making you uncomfortable. Just about every other thing that leads to something unpleasant has a psychological explanation that could extricate you conveniently. If you can’t find the correct term, simply abuse further the most abused defense of all time and state the obvious: I’m only human. You might as well say you’re a bacterium. The bottom line is, you did something wrong. You fcuked up. Whether or not it was intentional, it happened because you caused it to happen. The Law of Causality was still working last time I checked. Face the consequences. You’re responsible so shut up.
---------------
Originally written in March 2000 | taken from my Essay Portfolio
---------------
You explode. You feel like crushing the world with your bare hands. Of course, you never realize that you’re an earthling and could get crushed along with the planet.
I am not an environmentalist but I love the planet. I would never attempt to do anything that would bring about its demise. I live here. And I’ll stay on. I’ve had more than my share of troubles and I’m still alive. Splash acid on my face, transform me into a tortured mythical character like Sisyphus, sentence me to reclusion perpetua - I’ll still be here and with smug optimism. Escape is possible. For some people, it’s inevitable especially in a country like ours. Pull some strings and you’re free again. Life is the best thing ever. You have no business taking it for granted. The point is, as long as you’re alive, there is something out there. You’ve got a problem? Sleep it over. Let the demons haunt you through the night. After all, tomorrow is just another day. The sun rises. Live it up.
Think selfishly. Think of yourself. Take care of yourself because essentially, there’s nobody else to pull you through. In the unlikely situation that someone abnormally selfless comes to the rescue, don’t hold your breath. It will depend on whether or not the help will actually work on you. And sometimes people are better off alone. It takes away some of the glory in making it through. Survive if you can and let that step up your worth and not owe it to someone else.
Do not depend on others and do not depend on God. He has too much trouble in his hands already, what with all the praying going on in places where your problem doesn’t mean anything at all. There’s a war out there. There’s drought and famine. There’s a whole community where only a few are spared of AIDS. There’s too much suffering in this world that God won’t even notice you. Just ask: Among billions of people, most of whom in distress, what makes your benign existence so especial that the boundless universe and God in his infinite glory should pay attention? Is there a God?
Do not say the deep sh!t you’re in is a part of God’s master plan, or that the Devil pushed you into that pit. That’s a shameless, cowardly excuse. And so is Psychology. It continues to come up with terminologies to explain aberrant behavior, which makes you less of a culprit. Oh, that was due to my excessive-compulsive disorder, or it was my alter ego, or I’m sorry if my being a nymphomaniac is making you uncomfortable. Just about every other thing that leads to something unpleasant has a psychological explanation that could extricate you conveniently. If you can’t find the correct term, simply abuse further the most abused defense of all time and state the obvious: I’m only human. You might as well say you’re a bacterium. The bottom line is, you did something wrong. You fcuked up. Whether or not it was intentional, it happened because you caused it to happen. The Law of Causality was still working last time I checked. Face the consequences. You’re responsible so shut up.
---------------
Originally written in March 2000 | taken from my Essay Portfolio
Monday, September 15, 2008
Help...
This is Samsung G810 and I'm inloved with it. Been so since I first saw it. Had one. Then lost it. Just today. My Globe SIM is gone with it. My number for 9 years; gone, just like that. My Smart number is still active. You can contact me there. To whoever's reading this: help me curse the thief. I hope it figures in an accident. I hope it uses my phone in a gas station, then the phone explodes in its face. I hope it uses the phone while crossing the street then gets ran over by a 10-wheeler truck, instantaneously fusing its molecules with the asphalt.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Bugs
Breathe. You can take it easy now. I haven’t left. You know I won’t stay forever but when you reach out now, you can still grab hold of my shirt. But don’t pull me closer. You don’t wanna tear it up. I’m here and I’m not naked.
Don’t push it.
Yes, I don’t have time for you. I’m buried six feet under deadlines, ad hoc work requests, piles of papers; I hide behind my computer screen, behind megabytes of emails, at the end of my telephone lines… wanting to get away from professional crap. It’s what having a real job means and earning decent money. I know. It’s what most people think they want. They don’t know what they want. I don’t want them. I don’t have time for them. I don’t have time for you, I don’t have time for myself. Was it necessary for you to ask?
If I told you I’m seeing others would it ruin you? If I told you work doesn’t really eat my time and eat me would you tremble in outrage? If I told you I’m leaving would you run after me, or run away? What if I simply didn’t tell you anything? Would you stop asking? Can you stop asking?
I don’t ask questions. Personal questions. They’re cockroaches that impose their presence on personal space. They stink. They look repulsive. They deserve to be crushed. They must be reduced to pulp. I don’t care how people claim they’ve got nothing to hide and say a filthy fcuking cockroach wouldn’t be there in the first place if the insect wasn’t lured with filth. Like an ugly question, it’s there for its own goddamn reason. That in no way lessens the point of fact that it is cockroach. Let’s not justify its existence.
I might have gone out last night and had the greatest fcuk of my life. I might have held hands softer than yours will ever be. For all you know, it might be that the only reason why I can stay in this place is because I’ve got a house here and living with someone who offers to shelter me for as long as I want. Would you believe that? Will you assume that much if I didn’t answer your questions?
I don’t like questions. I will give you answers that I either want to give, or am prepared to give. Do you see now that it doesn’t matter? I don’t like giving answers. I don’t like surrendering sh!t about my personal life. That’s my own sh!t. I’ll deal with it my own way. I wouldn’t deal with it if I didn’t want to. When you stop liking me because of this, run away. You have the right. When it happens, for all your kindness, you deserve someone better. Who am I anyway but bait? Insects will surround me. That speaks for itself.
Now this is who I am. If you’ve got a problem with that, we do have a problem. For the meantime, I’m staying. But don’t take my space for your own. Don’t push your questions. Don’t get used to the comfort that I will answer. Take it easy. You’ve got a life to live apart from living it on my side of the world. The world is bigger than my hellhole. Take that for your own instead.
But we still got air around here. Let’s just both breathe. And drink. Right here. Today.
---------------
Originally written last week | midnight/drunken sentiments
Don’t push it.
Yes, I don’t have time for you. I’m buried six feet under deadlines, ad hoc work requests, piles of papers; I hide behind my computer screen, behind megabytes of emails, at the end of my telephone lines… wanting to get away from professional crap. It’s what having a real job means and earning decent money. I know. It’s what most people think they want. They don’t know what they want. I don’t want them. I don’t have time for them. I don’t have time for you, I don’t have time for myself. Was it necessary for you to ask?
If I told you I’m seeing others would it ruin you? If I told you work doesn’t really eat my time and eat me would you tremble in outrage? If I told you I’m leaving would you run after me, or run away? What if I simply didn’t tell you anything? Would you stop asking? Can you stop asking?
I don’t ask questions. Personal questions. They’re cockroaches that impose their presence on personal space. They stink. They look repulsive. They deserve to be crushed. They must be reduced to pulp. I don’t care how people claim they’ve got nothing to hide and say a filthy fcuking cockroach wouldn’t be there in the first place if the insect wasn’t lured with filth. Like an ugly question, it’s there for its own goddamn reason. That in no way lessens the point of fact that it is cockroach. Let’s not justify its existence.
I might have gone out last night and had the greatest fcuk of my life. I might have held hands softer than yours will ever be. For all you know, it might be that the only reason why I can stay in this place is because I’ve got a house here and living with someone who offers to shelter me for as long as I want. Would you believe that? Will you assume that much if I didn’t answer your questions?
I don’t like questions. I will give you answers that I either want to give, or am prepared to give. Do you see now that it doesn’t matter? I don’t like giving answers. I don’t like surrendering sh!t about my personal life. That’s my own sh!t. I’ll deal with it my own way. I wouldn’t deal with it if I didn’t want to. When you stop liking me because of this, run away. You have the right. When it happens, for all your kindness, you deserve someone better. Who am I anyway but bait? Insects will surround me. That speaks for itself.
Now this is who I am. If you’ve got a problem with that, we do have a problem. For the meantime, I’m staying. But don’t take my space for your own. Don’t push your questions. Don’t get used to the comfort that I will answer. Take it easy. You’ve got a life to live apart from living it on my side of the world. The world is bigger than my hellhole. Take that for your own instead.
But we still got air around here. Let’s just both breathe. And drink. Right here. Today.
---------------
Originally written last week | midnight/drunken sentiments
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
For The Taking
I am tall, tan, medium built with a nice flat tummy. I am 21 years old, I have a boyish appeal and although talent scouts will not buzz excitedly and scamper to capitalize on my looks, I’m tempted to add that I’m charming. This sometimes deposits me right into pleasantly scandalous situations. I’m smart, eloquent, refined and intelligent with an independent mind. You may now gather that I have an attitude. Or ego. Acquisitiveness is a fine virtue.
I ferociously believe I have talent but that sometimes-humorless thing called fate has been pointing its finger at me and looking down its nose on me for quite some time now, having decided that I must remain a useless tissue matter. With mirthless passion, I hereby state the obvious: I am a bum. I couldn’t figure myself into a more productive state and not for lack of trying.
I station my bum-hood in Cavite at my sister’s apartment, which she shares with her husband. My immediate concern is to move out and have my own pad. I’d like to live in the Makati area. Not that I remarkably enjoy breathing poison among other threats to my existence. Only that like most people, it’s more reasonable for me to think that bigger opportunities are in bigger, more urbanized cities. And when I’m finally settled in, I shall set up a command post from which I could hunt for jobs. I do notice that the process looks more realistic when reversed: Paycheck first before the bills. Here again is my knack to play with chance.
I am not being ambitious, at least not at this point. I don’t want a penthouse right away wherefrom I could survey the expanse I might later plan to conquer. I don’t want an entertainment system whose acoustics could blast you off to Mars. A studio-type unit will do so long as it has its own bathroom with walls that I could touch without feeling sick. Of course, I need a cozy bedroom. I’ll bring along my portable stereo and stack of pirated CDs, and then I could live for as long as I have clean clothes to wear. When I run out, I’d have to run back to Cavite. It would be presumptuous of me to think that I’ll have a washing machine as soon as I move out.
I am hoping for a spacious enough pad where I could put some divisions between the bedroom and the living room and the kitchen. It might turn out to accommodate a maximum of just three people at a time. Nevertheless, how I will afford it, I do not know. We live in a place where the reward for hard work is insultingly, outrageously, and despairingly meager. It was a constant wonder how slum people could buy washing machines, TV sets, VCD players, etc. Middle class people in the province don’t even have washing machines. And yet, slum people still have money to spare. They periodically play lotto and drink beer and buy cigarettes and play tong-its and all the while wailing about and passionately complaining regarding how expensive living costs and blaming it all on the government. Aside from realizing that they don’t pay for the land they built their shanties on, I was belatedly enlightened by a news program, that the honest members of the population are the ones who shoulder the electric bills of some squatter areas as their unscrupulous consumption remains unmetered (I use the adjective Honest comparatively). No wonder. But grudgingly, I’ll say I don’t blame the poor entirely. The power company is inefficient and the government snails its way in addressing the housing problem. I don’t have to say that I’m relegating the blame in fear of a homemade explosive and a rusted ice pick.
And then there are the migrants from provinces far away, hoping to find opportunities, as if by magic, in the metropolis. When their hopes get crushed, they say it’s the President’s fault. May I ask: Who decided to leave the province in the first place? These people are crazy blaming the consequences of their discontent on someone else, much like activists who know no other leisure except whining and wailing and causing traffic jam. They’re not helping any. If you don’t have a solution, shut the fcuk up. When you’re in the province, what you need is diskarte then you could eat talbos ng kamote and tuyo everyday without having to worry about steak or caviar. It’s healthy. And if you had even just a bit of land and an honest resolve, you cannot really go hungry. If you want more than that, decide to take the risk of migrating to the city but knock some sense into your head and face the challenge you so wanted to take, but were too fatalistic to comprehend.
I definitely plan to stay away from places where disgruntled migrants build boxes they call home. I’m sure discontent isn’t contagious but I’d rather play it safe. Then, for as long as I have my clothes and my music, I’d be fine. Talking about music, I used to listen only to R&B, disco, hip-hop and rap back in college. I went through college in a place where no one is allowed to listen to anything else. It was universal: Girl/Boy bands must be hated, clothing apparels must be imported, everyone must have a lighter skin tone. Everybody looked the same. Everybody smelled the same. Everybody felt cool. If I wasn’t listening to Eraserheads or Martin or Barry Manilow, it wasn’t because I had to be just as cool and hate everything local or old. I was deprived the embarrassment of being different since no store would sell a CD that couldn’t be patronized by everybody.
Cavite isn’t at all like that to a point where the most degraded form of vocalization may be worshipped. At least it’s a free country down here. There are people who formulate their own standard by which music is judged, just by looking at a singer’s face as if her eyes, nose, ears and mouth were shaped like note symbols arranged into a divine melody having the entire face as the G-clef (no offense to the long-chinned). And then there is this case where just because of her outstanding acting career, this artist’s album was awarded a platinum recognition. Her fans pay no respect about the distinction between Do and Re. Hell, everybody sings because our leaders sing specifically because of the ardent determination to be liked and get reelected.
I sing better. I wake up late and when there appears to be a concert inside my sister’s bedroom, you’d know I’m up. I love being challenged by high notes. In my relentless attempt to reach my third octave, I’m excitedly surprised that the mic is still working. When I grab the mic, you’d have to pray for reprieve. When I get my own place, I’m going to have it soundproofed. Don’t take this to mean that my voice is a torture to the ears. I’m now a sucker for ballads because I just realized that I could do good vocals. I’m annoyed that my friends invariably find this claim comical. Wait till I’m confident enough to exhibit myself onstage. I mean as a singer.
In the meantime, I’ll do my singing in my sister’s bedroom, bum around and eat. Chronic insomnia has again taken its grip on me. Now, before hitting the sheets at 4AM, whereupon I hibernate until the same time in the afternoon, I eat. Thank heavens I have good metabolism. My tummy is still flat unlike my male contemporaries who seem to grow mountainous over the midsection every year. Even so, I suspect that if you ran a scalpel over my wrist, a murky substance would gush forth: masticated rice. If you know of a job that fits someone with an overly healthy appetite, please approach me.
What else is there for me to do? I guess I’ll just point a finger back at fate. Not the index but the middle. I get jaded just thinking about life sometimes but I’m young. The world awaits me. I’ll move that damn mountain. For now, it’s in the form of my laundry.
I have what it takes to succeed. And hey, I’m a good citizen, okay? How can I still be jobless? I hear about evil people and con artists, hopelessly stupid people and unscrupulous politicians who are successful and filthy rich. I am more than commensurately enraged. Such knowledge in the face of my benign existence begets a more bitter appreciation. I’m not sure I’m complaining. Just angry, I guess. Life is unfair. I sing, eat and fantasize about my own place and a job for I wouldn’t wallow in an idealist’s agony knowing very well that in the first place, and I’ll say this over and over, nobody ever said that life is fair. Won’t waste time imagining that it is.
---------------
Originally written in May 2002 | taken from my Essay Portfolio
I ferociously believe I have talent but that sometimes-humorless thing called fate has been pointing its finger at me and looking down its nose on me for quite some time now, having decided that I must remain a useless tissue matter. With mirthless passion, I hereby state the obvious: I am a bum. I couldn’t figure myself into a more productive state and not for lack of trying.
I station my bum-hood in Cavite at my sister’s apartment, which she shares with her husband. My immediate concern is to move out and have my own pad. I’d like to live in the Makati area. Not that I remarkably enjoy breathing poison among other threats to my existence. Only that like most people, it’s more reasonable for me to think that bigger opportunities are in bigger, more urbanized cities. And when I’m finally settled in, I shall set up a command post from which I could hunt for jobs. I do notice that the process looks more realistic when reversed: Paycheck first before the bills. Here again is my knack to play with chance.
I am not being ambitious, at least not at this point. I don’t want a penthouse right away wherefrom I could survey the expanse I might later plan to conquer. I don’t want an entertainment system whose acoustics could blast you off to Mars. A studio-type unit will do so long as it has its own bathroom with walls that I could touch without feeling sick. Of course, I need a cozy bedroom. I’ll bring along my portable stereo and stack of pirated CDs, and then I could live for as long as I have clean clothes to wear. When I run out, I’d have to run back to Cavite. It would be presumptuous of me to think that I’ll have a washing machine as soon as I move out.
I am hoping for a spacious enough pad where I could put some divisions between the bedroom and the living room and the kitchen. It might turn out to accommodate a maximum of just three people at a time. Nevertheless, how I will afford it, I do not know. We live in a place where the reward for hard work is insultingly, outrageously, and despairingly meager. It was a constant wonder how slum people could buy washing machines, TV sets, VCD players, etc. Middle class people in the province don’t even have washing machines. And yet, slum people still have money to spare. They periodically play lotto and drink beer and buy cigarettes and play tong-its and all the while wailing about and passionately complaining regarding how expensive living costs and blaming it all on the government. Aside from realizing that they don’t pay for the land they built their shanties on, I was belatedly enlightened by a news program, that the honest members of the population are the ones who shoulder the electric bills of some squatter areas as their unscrupulous consumption remains unmetered (I use the adjective Honest comparatively). No wonder. But grudgingly, I’ll say I don’t blame the poor entirely. The power company is inefficient and the government snails its way in addressing the housing problem. I don’t have to say that I’m relegating the blame in fear of a homemade explosive and a rusted ice pick.
And then there are the migrants from provinces far away, hoping to find opportunities, as if by magic, in the metropolis. When their hopes get crushed, they say it’s the President’s fault. May I ask: Who decided to leave the province in the first place? These people are crazy blaming the consequences of their discontent on someone else, much like activists who know no other leisure except whining and wailing and causing traffic jam. They’re not helping any. If you don’t have a solution, shut the fcuk up. When you’re in the province, what you need is diskarte then you could eat talbos ng kamote and tuyo everyday without having to worry about steak or caviar. It’s healthy. And if you had even just a bit of land and an honest resolve, you cannot really go hungry. If you want more than that, decide to take the risk of migrating to the city but knock some sense into your head and face the challenge you so wanted to take, but were too fatalistic to comprehend.
I definitely plan to stay away from places where disgruntled migrants build boxes they call home. I’m sure discontent isn’t contagious but I’d rather play it safe. Then, for as long as I have my clothes and my music, I’d be fine. Talking about music, I used to listen only to R&B, disco, hip-hop and rap back in college. I went through college in a place where no one is allowed to listen to anything else. It was universal: Girl/Boy bands must be hated, clothing apparels must be imported, everyone must have a lighter skin tone. Everybody looked the same. Everybody smelled the same. Everybody felt cool. If I wasn’t listening to Eraserheads or Martin or Barry Manilow, it wasn’t because I had to be just as cool and hate everything local or old. I was deprived the embarrassment of being different since no store would sell a CD that couldn’t be patronized by everybody.
Cavite isn’t at all like that to a point where the most degraded form of vocalization may be worshipped. At least it’s a free country down here. There are people who formulate their own standard by which music is judged, just by looking at a singer’s face as if her eyes, nose, ears and mouth were shaped like note symbols arranged into a divine melody having the entire face as the G-clef (no offense to the long-chinned). And then there is this case where just because of her outstanding acting career, this artist’s album was awarded a platinum recognition. Her fans pay no respect about the distinction between Do and Re. Hell, everybody sings because our leaders sing specifically because of the ardent determination to be liked and get reelected.
I sing better. I wake up late and when there appears to be a concert inside my sister’s bedroom, you’d know I’m up. I love being challenged by high notes. In my relentless attempt to reach my third octave, I’m excitedly surprised that the mic is still working. When I grab the mic, you’d have to pray for reprieve. When I get my own place, I’m going to have it soundproofed. Don’t take this to mean that my voice is a torture to the ears. I’m now a sucker for ballads because I just realized that I could do good vocals. I’m annoyed that my friends invariably find this claim comical. Wait till I’m confident enough to exhibit myself onstage. I mean as a singer.
In the meantime, I’ll do my singing in my sister’s bedroom, bum around and eat. Chronic insomnia has again taken its grip on me. Now, before hitting the sheets at 4AM, whereupon I hibernate until the same time in the afternoon, I eat. Thank heavens I have good metabolism. My tummy is still flat unlike my male contemporaries who seem to grow mountainous over the midsection every year. Even so, I suspect that if you ran a scalpel over my wrist, a murky substance would gush forth: masticated rice. If you know of a job that fits someone with an overly healthy appetite, please approach me.
What else is there for me to do? I guess I’ll just point a finger back at fate. Not the index but the middle. I get jaded just thinking about life sometimes but I’m young. The world awaits me. I’ll move that damn mountain. For now, it’s in the form of my laundry.
I have what it takes to succeed. And hey, I’m a good citizen, okay? How can I still be jobless? I hear about evil people and con artists, hopelessly stupid people and unscrupulous politicians who are successful and filthy rich. I am more than commensurately enraged. Such knowledge in the face of my benign existence begets a more bitter appreciation. I’m not sure I’m complaining. Just angry, I guess. Life is unfair. I sing, eat and fantasize about my own place and a job for I wouldn’t wallow in an idealist’s agony knowing very well that in the first place, and I’ll say this over and over, nobody ever said that life is fair. Won’t waste time imagining that it is.
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Originally written in May 2002 | taken from my Essay Portfolio
Thursday, August 28, 2008
It’s terminal. So? That’s nothing new. Everything is terminal. Hate dies. Love dies. Friendships die. I’ll die.
My lola died when I was in high school. She was 94. It was my first confrontation with death. She was my refuge. When Dad won’t trust me to drive the car, when Mom decided I didn’t need a bigger allowance, when my siblings insisted on a different TV channel, or drowned Bioman conversations with that blasted stereo in full volume, I had my lola. She died and it was the loneliest time in my wonder years (I so wanted to be Kevin not because I’d swoon just to kiss Winnie but because his life seemed to be the greatest, compared to my dreadfully uncomplicated childhood). Death is such an ugly thing but we have to understand that the moment we were expelled into the world, the countdown already began. We shall die. Even if I were Fred Savage.
To a point, it becomes better to know you're dying. You can actually project your existence on the calendar. You have it finally defined. Other people forget that life too shall pass. When we are reminded and get through the denial phase, we live our lives the way we wanted. We stop doing what our boss wants, what puny things our friends demand, what impossible feats the world asks. We cram, we try to have fun, we stop caring about the mundane truths because we are dying and we have ourselves to think about.
Even people better than us die – people with bigger lives, people who make a dent in this aspect of existence. What are we anyway?
Which is why you have to feel the world revolves around you, without the arrogance. The universe worships you. Don’t grovel at the feet of anyone. You’ve got your own life. You’ve got no business taking life for granted. There’s no afterlife. This is all there is. Don’t assume anything more.
Fuck the boss. Fuck the society. Fuck that insect who ditched you. Live. If you’re not happy with something, burn it. Don’t complain. It’s a rainy day again today but hey, you can’t tell the weather what to do but you can take charge of your life.
Laugh your tonsils out, scream till your throat is sore and cry when it hurts, damnit. Love but don’t live only because of it. If she doesn't love you back, stand up you swine you can't afford to let other people ruin your life. Don’t believe the poets, they talk about love and poetry. That isn’t how things happen. Don’t believe in love songs. Believe what you have right there. That is real. Hang around your friends everyday if that’s what makes your days bearable but don’t let them tell you how to live. Love your parents. In your life, you won’t ever find other people who will be more loyal to you. Love your work to make it easier but get a life. Soar away. No dying man ever said he wished he spent more time in the office.
You’ve got no right to give up because it’s your duty to make the most out of this so that even when fate plays it’s dirty trick and eliminate you tomorrow, you will have the comfort that even as a mere human, you tried to fly.
My lola died when I was in high school. She was 94. It was my first confrontation with death. She was my refuge. When Dad won’t trust me to drive the car, when Mom decided I didn’t need a bigger allowance, when my siblings insisted on a different TV channel, or drowned Bioman conversations with that blasted stereo in full volume, I had my lola. She died and it was the loneliest time in my wonder years (I so wanted to be Kevin not because I’d swoon just to kiss Winnie but because his life seemed to be the greatest, compared to my dreadfully uncomplicated childhood). Death is such an ugly thing but we have to understand that the moment we were expelled into the world, the countdown already began. We shall die. Even if I were Fred Savage.
To a point, it becomes better to know you're dying. You can actually project your existence on the calendar. You have it finally defined. Other people forget that life too shall pass. When we are reminded and get through the denial phase, we live our lives the way we wanted. We stop doing what our boss wants, what puny things our friends demand, what impossible feats the world asks. We cram, we try to have fun, we stop caring about the mundane truths because we are dying and we have ourselves to think about.
Even people better than us die – people with bigger lives, people who make a dent in this aspect of existence. What are we anyway?
Which is why you have to feel the world revolves around you, without the arrogance. The universe worships you. Don’t grovel at the feet of anyone. You’ve got your own life. You’ve got no business taking life for granted. There’s no afterlife. This is all there is. Don’t assume anything more.
Fuck the boss. Fuck the society. Fuck that insect who ditched you. Live. If you’re not happy with something, burn it. Don’t complain. It’s a rainy day again today but hey, you can’t tell the weather what to do but you can take charge of your life.
Laugh your tonsils out, scream till your throat is sore and cry when it hurts, damnit. Love but don’t live only because of it. If she doesn't love you back, stand up you swine you can't afford to let other people ruin your life. Don’t believe the poets, they talk about love and poetry. That isn’t how things happen. Don’t believe in love songs. Believe what you have right there. That is real. Hang around your friends everyday if that’s what makes your days bearable but don’t let them tell you how to live. Love your parents. In your life, you won’t ever find other people who will be more loyal to you. Love your work to make it easier but get a life. Soar away. No dying man ever said he wished he spent more time in the office.
You’ve got no right to give up because it’s your duty to make the most out of this so that even when fate plays it’s dirty trick and eliminate you tomorrow, you will have the comfort that even as a mere human, you tried to fly.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I don’t talk. I can’t talk. When I speak up, listen. I don’t really say anything. I can’t talk about myself.
I will talk about what others feel. I will talk about the world. It’s a fcukin world. Let’s all fcuk up. It doesn’t matter. We will eventually be forgotten. Even this won’t be remembered. It’s not important. We’re not important.
Tell me what happened. I’ll tell you it didn’t. But in the sh!t of creation, my words won’t matter. Friends will notice but the world wouldn’t. It’s impervious to our little schemes. Who am I anyway? And who are you? I will shut my mouth on this. When I talk it might mean something to people. It won’t mean anything to me.
Don’t ask me to speak up. You can listen but you won’t have to. I will say many things about them, about this, about trash, about lies – but don’t ask questions.
About myself.
I don’t know who I am.
We’re better off not knowing.
---------------
Originally written on Tuesday, 12 August 2008 | midnight/drunken sentiments
I will talk about what others feel. I will talk about the world. It’s a fcukin world. Let’s all fcuk up. It doesn’t matter. We will eventually be forgotten. Even this won’t be remembered. It’s not important. We’re not important.
Tell me what happened. I’ll tell you it didn’t. But in the sh!t of creation, my words won’t matter. Friends will notice but the world wouldn’t. It’s impervious to our little schemes. Who am I anyway? And who are you? I will shut my mouth on this. When I talk it might mean something to people. It won’t mean anything to me.
Don’t ask me to speak up. You can listen but you won’t have to. I will say many things about them, about this, about trash, about lies – but don’t ask questions.
About myself.
I don’t know who I am.
We’re better off not knowing.
---------------
Originally written on Tuesday, 12 August 2008 | midnight/drunken sentiments
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